I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
