Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
