I think I am morally bankrupt
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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