I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
