I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize