so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
