Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
