Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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