all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize