may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
