His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
