Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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