pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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