she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
