so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
