Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
