Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
be right there i have to get my cape
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
