worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just invented taco cereal.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
