I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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