Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
