i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
