I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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