You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
