two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
