I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
