I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
