you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
