I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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