I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
