I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
