Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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