just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
