There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
MIDGETS
????
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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