new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
