someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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