there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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