just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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