I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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