I'm laying in your front yard are you home
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
