Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
