i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
