dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
