listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
