I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you had me at cake vodka
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
