So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
