the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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