Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
