I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
