i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
