We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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