My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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