From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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