I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
