I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
