the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
