someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
