Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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