i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
