my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
