That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
