if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
