Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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