I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
did i walk over a car last night?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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