the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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